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[VIC – 166] Guaranteed misery

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In life, we all have the opportunity to build tons of relationships. Those relationships start with the family, then expand outward over time. After the immediate household come relationships with extended family, neighbors, friends, religious communities, schools, and companies. Zooming out further still, you might say you build relationships with your home city, state, or country, or at least a relationship with the values and beliefs upon which those are built.

There’s a ton of advice out there about how to build strong relationships. But the thing about relationships is that they’re all a bit different. Some people love and respect family members dearly, while others treat them as sworn enemies. Some people beat their dogs while others treat them like royalty. Relationships are subjective.

As a result, I don’t feel it’s a great use of time to give advice about how others should go about building relationships.
What I can do, is invert the question. Rather than give advice about how you SHOULD build relationships, here’s a sure fire way to build terrible relationships that I think most will agree with.

If you want to enjoy guaranteed misery in your relationships, you should avoid difficult and uncomfortable conversations at all costs. When you are angry, upset, or confused (or think the other person to be), never talk about it. Just make assumptions about what others think and feel and accept that as the truth. Make assumptions about their drives and motivations. Make assumptions that you know what it’s like to feel what they are feeling, that you understand their experience.

Guaranteed misery, every time.

The relationship between America and the black community is, and has for a long time, been one defined by extensive misery. It’s a relationship defined by exhaustion and exasperation. It’s one defined by glimmers of hope, and repeated let down. It’s defined by fear, anger, and thoughts of “WILL THIS SHIT EVER END??”

You know, this has always been a difficult topic for me. And I never have any idea what to do in the moments of the deepest despair. And I think that question about what to do is deeply personal and subjective for everyone, regardless of what you look like or where you live.

As one person, a black man, here’s a range of things that have crossed my mind over the last decade:

Do I just pretend that everything is fine?

Have I done enough to stand up for the black community? Have I done anything?

Do I drop everything and become some sort of activist?

But there’s no money in activism. And money is an important conduit toward financial and intellectual escape velocity.

The best thing I can do is to become successful in business and in life to prove that black people can do it too.

Or does that do more to say that I am some sort of exception to what many think is a rule?

Is it even worth fighting a war you’re sure to lose?

Of course it is! Do you want the work of greats like MLK and Malcom X to go to waste?

They paid the ultimate price. Am I willing to die for this cause?

Death aside, what AM I willing to sacrifice?

Not at all meant to be comprehensive, but you can see that I’m all over the map.

At this very moment, it feels like the best thing I can do is utilize the platform that I’ve built through VIC as a vehicle to bring more folks into the conversation. As I said earlier, ignoring difficult conversations is guaranteed to yield misery. So the best thing I can do right now is use the tiny loudspeaker I have to speak my truth. Or not so much truth, but to speak my confusion.

On one side, things have gotten better. We’re not getting abducted, then beaten, then eyes gouged, shot, tied to a fan, and dumped into a river, like Emmett Till did. We’re not watching our kids sold to neighboring plantations and wives raped by our owners. It’s important to speak truth to that progress.

On the other hand, we’re having knees plunged into the back of our necks on camera until we stop breathing. We’re being chased through neighborhoods and gunned down my ex-policemen. You can’t make this shit up!

How do you reconcile those two things in your mind? I, for one, cannot.

You’ll notice that I offer no answers and solutions, only a sea of questions. And one of those questions is,

What are you thinking? What are you feeling?

Coming back to relationships, we are all friends, family members, parents, neighbors, company leaders, and citizens. Are you having what is sure to be a difficult conversation with the people that matter to you? Because if you are not, I worry for the health of those relationships.

The “C” in VIC is curiosity. It’s vital that we remain curious about the truly vexing problems. One such problem, or question, weighs heavily on my mind as we close.

How, or why, in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence that we are all the same, do large groups of people continue to fervently believe in intractable differences?

  • Eitan Darwish

    Thank you for speaking your truth, Jeremy. This is very important and I’m glad you’re encouraging conversation. In all of the chaos and misery we see around us, I laud you for having the presence of mind to zoom out. What causes a bad relationship? What a great question to explore. While reading your issue this week I found myself connecting the very basic rule of “make assumptions about your counterpart, expect misery” to my own life and to American politics, social structure, as well as geopolitics. What has caused the lack of a structured forum for dialogue? Why does our government not have a structured “table” at which people can share their perspectives, and if they do why don’t we all know about it? What assumptions DO I MAKE about those around me? Why, when we are raised, are we not taught to curb unfounded assumptions as the #1 way to avoid misery in relationships? This framework was very helpful for me to think about, and I again thank you for encouraging the dialogue, and encouraging the questioning.

    • I think you make a fantastic point by pointing to “when we were raised”. So much is deeply baked in and engrained by the time we are adults, you start to wonder if it’s too late to effect change. It’s so important to start early!

  • Joe Devita

    I think the answer to why people belive there are intractable differences, is due to misinformation from influential sources during childhood. I know we can’t just hope things get better in the future, but I think preparing young minds for the future is one part of the solution. I’m not sure seven years old was the right age, but I’m starting the long conversation about race inequality with my son now. This is just one step for one person, but it gives me a little hope about the future.

    • I could not agree more, it’s never to early! You have inspired me to action this morning. I will text my the parents of my goddaughter to ask if they are beginning the conversation. I will text my brother-in-law the same question regarding my 7-year-old niece. It’s never too early! Our young people will be exposed, whether we like it or not. It’s up to us as adults to help them cope with that exposure and whether the impact will be concsious or subconcious.

  • Andy

    Great post. I only have more questions, with zero answers. It is a strange feeling acknowledging my white privilege while simultaneously feeling depressed and embarrassed for what’s happening. How can I help? Where do these protests end? What’s next? Policy cannot fix this divide – racism doesn’t abide by policy or legal boundaries. Teaching our youth is a good step for sure – but can we wait for the next generation to fix the mistakes of the past generations? Will they? Will it be too late? All I know is…leadership is key, and we need an empathetic leader in the White House willing to take bold action.

    • I could not agree more! Many people will often seperate policy decisions from the underlying humanity or character those decisions reflect. Or said differently, they seperate what decisions are made from HOW they are made. I’ve always been a firm believer that HOW you do what you do is equally, if not more important, than the action itself. Similarly, HOW you say things is just as important as WHAT you say.

  • kev

    It’s definitely easier to have these types of conversations with my immediate peers and friends but I definitely find it more difficult to even star a conversation like this with family members and loved ones who are generally older. How do you start a dialogue there without sounding condescending or combatative to someone who has decades of life experience on you?

    • Such an important question! And I think that it will be different for everyone trying to have their own conversation with older people in their lives. For me, I try to lead with questions. How are you feeling in the current moment? How have things changed over the course of your life? Are there things you understand now that you wish you understood when you were 30 years old? I lead with questions because I find it conveys that I’m coming from a place of curiousity and that I truly want to understand. Then in the course of conversation, I share my own questions and my own perspective. And I can only hope, when curiosity and compassion is flowing in both directions, that it lays the groundwork for productive conversation.

  • Rachel Trenchard

    As always, I appreciate your thoughtful words on the happenings of late. I cannot even begin to fathom what it must feel like to reconcile the issues you’ve been grappling with – to sacrifice success for solidarity.

    I wish I had answers and that I could assure you that you don’t need to worry or do anything. That we, the white beneficiaries of decades of institutionalized advantage, could begin to pay the the price for our privilege and that you don’t need to ask for help or focus on educating and re-educating those around you or to defend your success. We got this. Unfortunately, it is all too clear that we most certainly do not.

    In the face of these failures, I have many questions of my own, all ongoing. How can I most meaningfully make an impact with my words, dollars, and actions? What can I do to impress the urgency of these matters to those around me? Hearing your take has made my pursuit for answers and action stronger and I can see here that I am not alone in feeling this way. Thank you so much for sharing and pushing for continued curiosity and growth. I aim to return the favor.

    • Thanks you for your note Rachel! I had a wonderful conversation with Hana last night wherein she made a wonderful point. I’m always one to start quickly trying to work towards answers and actions, but she reminded me that it’s equally important to slow down for a moment and just sit with the emotions. To just sit and really process things.

      I’ll also share this piece that a friend shared with me that I thought was incredbily thoughtful:

      https://medium.com/@alterrellmfmills/social-change-everyone-has-a-role-to-play-useyourprivilege-unlearnracism-69051138d0de

      • Rachel Trenchard

        Such a great point. I need to remind myself that while an action can yield immediate feeling of accomplishment, this is not a fleeting need and the work can never be “done”. There is so much that I don’t know and need to learn. Also this article is great! I love the focus on the intention behind each specific action. Thank you for sharing

  • Taylor Deaton

    I know I reached out to you directly this weekend but wanted this to be more public for others to see and join in with even more love and compassion. I will never fully understand what you’re going through (and what you’ve already gone through) but I will always always stand up for you. With nothing but compassion and support – your words have been ringing in my head for a couple of days now and I appreciate your openness with all of this. I’m going to do everything I possibly can to not only educate myself but use whatever power and privilege I have to make certain that equality is the standard. I appreciate you Jeremy!

    • And I appreciate you! The hard part now is turning all of the engagement and conversation into the change we want to see. I’ve been thinking deeply about my role in that so you can rest assured you will here more from me in the future on this!

  • Great article, and especially the questions you’ve been asking yourself. It highlights how although we can all (or most people) agree on the fact that there is discrimination, the best responses in terms of tangible action aren’t always as clear.

    I say this as a Palestinian, who’s people continue to suffer apartheid today. The knee to the back of the neck that so tragically killed Floyd is one that every Palestinian who lives on the West Bank has seen too many times to count from the Israeli military. And inasmuch as over there it is also clear that there is discrimination, I can identify with many of the questions you’ve asked yourself with regards to my own best response.

    In the end, for me, the single biggest tangible step is to work to remove preconceptions and open people’s eyes, ears and souls. To work on the very human trait of empathy. It is what I ask of all non-Palestinians when considering my people, as they won’t understand the brutality we suffer unless they do it. And it is what I continually try to do in terms of all forms of racism, in whatever way an outwardly white guy with an Asian sounding name who is Palestinian on the inside is able to.

    Respect to you for not being an exception, but for striving to show that disrespectful and inhuman lines have no meaning and can (and should) be disassembled.

    • Thank you for your reply Iyas! Your point about empathy is a good one.

      Another angle that I have been thinking a lot about is have difficult conversations with people that you disagree with. This is a muscle that takes training and development over years, but one I fear is atrophied in many (most?) people. All of the truly important topics, the ones that are potentially the most polarizing (religion, money, politics, sex), are generally off limits in most settings. You cannot talk about these things at work, at school, or at the bar. Often times they only time they come up are in your inner-most circles (e.g. family, closest friends) wherein you are least likely to confront disagreement.

      If the world is to move in a positive direction, it seems we need to recover an ability to have hard conversations with people that look different, think different, and come from different perspectives. And we need to encourage these conversations instead of relegating them to the shadows.

      • Really good point – absolutely agree about the difficult conversations. And actually, it is to have those conversations to listen, not to debate, which is the hardest part. Incumbent on both parties though – we would have to talk and listen to someone who is racist in our eyes (but often not in theirs) as much as we would want them to listen to us.

  • Jesse Moskowitz

    Thank you. I’m grateful for your honesty in expressing your thoughts. I can’t truly understand your experience, but I appreciate you opening up. As I’ve been examining my own assumptions, and the views I’ve been inculcated with (and benefited from), I’ve come to some uncomfortable truths. The most pressing one being that after 400 years, I somehow thought I was different; or even that my generation, the people I grew up with (my high school class, college class, family members) were somehow different. That somehow not being racist was enough. That I wasn’t part of an awful lineage. But the shackles still exist.

    I have to change and push for more change. I’m trying to read more, but no reading list can really suffice. Going to protests is a good thing. Saying the names of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and taking knees to remember them are good steps. But I’m worried about the future. If I thought I was different, then this horror can continue. Why wouldn’t it? Without institutional change, this denial of humanity will continue. I hope this energy translates into substantive change in voting access; an overhaul of police & authority, educational revolution; re-prioritizing the purpose of society; and more love, tolerance & empathy. I’m donating to the Loveland Foundation.

    But there is a lot I don’t know. It’s scary to recognize blindspots because it opens the door to a world of unknowns, but that’s where the real growth has been for me. I’m trying to learn, and I appreciate you.